Breakthroughs, people.

I had a bit of a revelation the other day. Conveniently, I remembered it long enough to share it with my therapist.

The gist of it is thus:

A year ago I thought that a happy relationship could make everything else that sucked (and everything else did totally suck) not matter so much.

Now, that relationship is gone, but everything else sucks less. Okay, fine, for the most part, things are pretty good. Job sitch has turned around 180°. Choir has been fulfilling in a way that I could not have imagined. Running is cool. Metroblogging is cool. Living by myself for the first time ever is cool. I am happier than I have been in a long time.

Of course I'd like to have a happy relationship, but a relationship does not make you happy. It can make you happier, but it does not make you happy. And it does not make that other stuff matter that much less or go away. Balance. Balance is what you need.

But that's not all. Oh, no, I'm on a roll. Moment of Self-Awareness #1B:

I've been sour on Xmas for a while. The fuzzy glow of my mom's crazy orchestration dimmed a while ago. I've got this nagging loner tendency, and it makes me want to do things like spend the holiday by myself on purpose.

The second I had somebody I really wanted to be with, my whole perspective on Xmas changed. I wanted to celebrate. I wanted to put up the (2-foot) tree and the lights and have the dinner and go on the sleigh ride and make snow angels and all of that. I wanted the fuzzy glow back.

Needless to say, no fuzzy glow this year. This year, I have no idea what I'm doing for Xmas. Frankly, I'm having a hard enough time thinking beyond what needs to happen at work to worry about what to do with my four-day weekend which is... next weekend already (holy shit!). I know I'll be working that week between holidays, even though I'm "on vacation" because there's work that needs to be done. (I'm bitter, long story.)

I'm not going home. Last year was the first year I wasn't in Michigan for Xmas (that's hard to read). This year will be the second. I don't have any plans. It's not convenient or affordable for me anyway. Fly Girl warned me that spending Xmas by yourself sucks and that I should go home. But I really don't want to go home just because I don't have anything else to do. I want to want to go home, and I don't. So I'm not.