T+2 Days and Counting
Since the breakup.
Today was a little better than yesterday. There were a few moments at work where my coworkers made me laugh. I changed my network password that had Fly Girl's name in it to something inspirational and forward-looking. I made a few phone calls, accomplished a few things, made some decisions.
I still have no appetite to speak of. I'm supposed to be booking travel and accommodations to St. Thomas for a wedding and now I have to rethink all those plans. I probably can go ahead and toss her toothbrush that's in my bathroom. I have a really cute picture of us from Christmas that I can't bear to look at, but can't bear to take down, either. I just flipped through my voicemail and there's a message from her that I can't bear to listen to, but can't bear to erase, either. I have episodes of Desperate Housewives on my computer that I had purposely saved so we could watch them together.
A gift that I ordered for her last week just arrived today, and I don't know what to do with it. It's nothing too personal. Just some bath product. Leaving it at her house is too creepy and stalkerish. Mailing it to her is only slightly less so. But I don't want it. I guess I could give it away. Or send it back. I just don't want it around here. Maybe I'll just mail it. I want her to have it. She can toss it or give it away if she wants. I don't know.
Going to sleep at night is hard. Too much idle time to think. I've been keeping myself awake and occupied until I'm exhausted so I can fall right asleep. It only works a little.
By far the worst part is I can't get this song out of my head. Worse than having the actual song in my head is that I keep hearing the ringer I downloaded for my phone.
I wonder how much she thinks of me. If she's having as hard a time with this as I am. I kinda don't think so, but I wish she were. Not that I want her to hurt like I hurt, but just because I want to know that she misses me a little. That it wasn't that easy of a decision for her to let me go.
People keep telling me that it's for the best and better sooner than later. Easy for people to say. I know they mean well. Somewhere deep down I know they're right. But my heart still hasn't caught up with my head.
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*hugs*
I'd offer up some lame platitudes, but they'd be... well... lame. And pointless. So I just send you lots of hugs. And virtual Ben and Jerry's.
You have a free all-day pass to beat the crap out of anyone who says "Things happen for a reason" or "It's better to have loved and lost" or "You'll get through this." Beat them into unconsciousness, I say.
This sucks, plain and simple. I am sad for you that it didn't work out the way you hoped it would. Get all of the hurt out of your system now so that it doesn't come back to haunt you. And if you want to send the bath stuff, go ahead because it wasn't meant for you to keep. Get it out of your sight. And, someday, this will all be out of your line of vision as well and something even better will break across that horizon.