The Perfect Xmas Eve
Xmas is not all it's cracked up to be. I've talked to more and more people (people my age) that are just bitter about it. It's stressful. The obligations and expectations are ridiculous. People get this false sense of what a perfect Xmas should be like and jump through all these hoops and put on all these fronts to get there. I've always come home for Xmas just because I don't have anything else to do. Last year, I really couldn't afford it. Couldn't afford a flight. Couldn't afford gas to drive here. Couldn't afford to take days off work because I didn't have vacation time and so if I wasn't there, I just didn't get paid. But I went anyway because it was expected of me.
I'm not fucking doing that anymore.
This year, I have someone I'd rather be spending my Xmas with. Next year, hopefully, I'll be spending Xmas with her again. I want us to have our Xmas. I want to have my Xmas. Not my mother's Xmas. Not my family's Xmas.
My mother is a Xmas nazi. She's got this idea of what a perfect Xmas should be like. We have Xmas Eve with my mom's side of the family and assorted guests every year at our my parents' house. My mom spends all this time putting together a menu and decorating the house and making food and everyone gets here and she loves to hear everyone tell her how nice everything is and, "Oh, Kaye, why don't you sit down and eat?" "No, I've been snacking. Can I get anybody anything?"
Right now, everyone's downstairs singing Xmas carols. As directed by my mother. It wouldn't be too bad, except that she likes to do the 12 Days of Xmas. Normally we sort of volunteer, but this year she's fucking assigning parts. I just can't deal. I snuck upstairs. I'm sitting in the twin glows of the Xmas tree and the fireplace and all I really want is to cuddle with my girlfriend. My girlfriend who is in Minneapolis celebrating Xmas with friends whose company she enjoys. My girlfriend who wisely has passed on the false pretenses of being with her family on Xmas.
I lost it today when my mom pointedly asked if my sister and I had gotten anything for our grandmother. My sister took care of gifts for mom and dad, and I'm giving her cash. That's all I can muster. When my mom heard that neither my sister nor I had gotten anything for Grandma, she got all huffy and then sent me off with some money and instructions to get something.
But I have a "poor sense of family." I never want to come home. I never want them to visit. When I am here, I spend half my time in Ann Arbor or with other friends. I'm a bad daughter.
I was pondering out loud whether or not I need to rent a car for the rest of my stay here or if my mom and/or sister would be able to lend me their cars for whatever plans I have. I was saying that I have concrete-ish plans for Sunday and Tuesday and a maybe for Monday. My mom says I shouldn't need to get a car for that. Oh, mom, by the way, Fly Girl's coming in on Wednesday. I have to pick her up from the airport and we're staying in Ann Arbor before we go up north, but we'll be in town all day Wednesday and if you wanted to meet her, we could do that.
Stoney face. Ice cold. "I have stuff to do with my real estate business. I'll have to let you know." Right. Okay. You had nothing to do that was so important that I couldn't borrow the car for hours at a time, but you can't take one hour out of one day to have breakfast with us.
I was totally wrong. I am upset. I'm really upset. She didn't say no, but.... She didn't say yes.
My sister. God love her. Apparently my mom talks with her about my being gay with some regularity. The prevailing theme is that this is not what my mom envisioned or what she wants for me. Emily had the good sense to tell my mom that even if she's not comfortable with meeting FG, it would be really supremely shitty for her to say no. So maybe my mom will say yes. But it won't be easy.
Fuck it. I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I may leave Detroit and hang out in Ann Arbor a day or two early, if possible. And she wonders why I don't want to come home. She wonders why I don't want to tell her anything. I do tell her stuff and she doesn't want to hear it. But she constantly bugs Emily about her dating situation and wonders why Emily doesn't tell her every minute detail about every passing guy she thinks is hot.
It could be a lot worse with my parents, but that doesn't make this okay. It could be better. I don't have the energy or the inclination to work on it. I'd rather go back to Minneapolis and have my happy separate life there. I may not be helping things by avoiding discussing the issue, but... I feel like there's no attempt to meet me halfway. Since I have no sense of family, I'm perfectly fine with living my life in a different city and going about my business without making an effort to include my mom. She won't talk to me about her concerns. She's not including me. She's not trying to get to know more about it.
It may not be the greatest idea to be vacating the party. That's pretty conspicuous. We're done with Xmas carols, and now there's some ticket-drawing, gift-giving thing going on. But it's the principle. This does not make me happy and I don't fucking have to sit through it and pretend like it does. Okay, maybe I should sit through the party, but I don't have to sit through my mother's life and expectations. A friend of the family brought her new husband to the party for the first time. About 30 minutes in he could be heard saying, "Okay, Sergeant Kaye." And my sister said, "It sure didn't take him long to figure that out."
God. Just... thank god for Emily. She's trying to talk some sense into my mother. She's putting in the good word. She's fighting the good fight. She's doing the legwork. I don't want to put her in the middle anymore than she already is, but mom doesn't seem to want to hear it from me. I think I need to sit down and have a conversation about... things... with my mom. I have no idea what I'd say, but something needs to be said. Emily suggested maybe we all sit down together. Not a bad idea. Although, the last time I requested such a gathering is when I came out to them.
I thought I was excited to come home. That wasn't quite right. I'm excited to see my friends. It took less than 24 hours for me to get sick of being in this house. The dynamics don't change. I become a different person when I come back here. And when I make a concerted effort to be who I am, to say what I think, to respond as I would to anyone else, it's met with resistance. Why am I acting all different? Well, why are you still acting the same? And how do I conveniently forget all this when I'm away for any length of time?
When I get upset like this is when I start to hibernate. I blog less, not that I've been doing much of that anyway. I stay home. I don't call people. I wallow. I stop emailing people. That's the chief indicator. I don't call folks or go out much anyway, but when I stop emailing, that's seriously cutting myself off. So I think I'll hibernate for a while.
My biggest concern about all this is that the last time I really got emotional and had trouble with my parents was the last time I was around the house and involved with a girl. I know now how messed up my relationship with that girl was, but I was freakin' 17, 18, 19 at the time. My mom puts a lot of the blame for my behavior at that time on her. So while I'd prefer to just retreat from my mom and turn to my girlfriend, part of me doesn't want my mom to have the opportunity to blame my "strange" behavior on her. Especially if my mom doesn't want to meet her. It's much easier to blame this abstract idea of a girlfriend. Which is why we need to talk about it. I'm not sure I can constructively address her Xmas-nazi ways and how they're indicative of her controlling nature and avoidance issues. I need to not let this whole thing drop, though. I don't know. We'll see how that goes.
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Wow, I can so relate to you and your relationship with your mom. Hope things get better. If you need an ear, feel free to hit me up.
You can be adopted by my parents. How about it? :)
Seriously, I think you're right that you need to talk. If only for you to say, "This is me, talk to me about it, and try to understand. Emily does not need to be your go-between." And any other assorted issues.
Erica, you tried. You now know with crystal certainty that you cannot force yourself to conform to ideas and expectations that your mother has for the holiday. Knowledge like that can, and should, free you. Use that freedom to feel stronger about saying "I'm not coming home for Xmas next year."
What you're going through isn't easy. Never is. But you ARE loved- by Emily, by (how could she not?!) Fly Girl, your hometown friends, by your online pals. You are not going through this totally alone.
**hugs**
My mom would totally adopt you, too.
But try not to totally give up on yours until she has a chance to see that you're in a normal, happy, loving relationship. Mothers worry about their daughters. It's a hormonal thing. And to paraphrase Tolstoy, "every family is neurotic in its own way."
Hopefully she's just waiting for you to be happy. And if that's not the case, and you've done all you can, well, try not to burn all of your bridges, but you kooky girls make your own nostalgia. :o)
Although my situation is no where near as frustrating as yours, I came to the same conclusion about Christmas this morning. Feel lucky that you have a sister and relatives to escape to or spread out the annoyances. It's just me and my parents, and as much as I'd like to skip x-mas with the fam next year and make my own, I am the only child in a family that lives 2000 miles away from other relatives. Guilt trip, much?
Hang in there, babe. Grin and bear it today and make up for by having more than enough fun with FG.
aww, babe, i'm sorry to hear about the holiday craziness. i TOTALLY relate. the shit the fan with my mother this year, too. hang in there!!
It's... *sigh*. Not to get into details in public, but you know where I stand with my mom. On the other hand, I've almost convinced my dad to go lobbying for equal rights with me, so there's that.
Hugs and hang in there, Irk. *I'll* adopt you too, and FG both!
You, my darling beautiful person, have every right to be happy and in deep smittenness and to celebrate those two things at this beautiful time of year. Don't let Sarge sap your joy!
*hugs* Irk. I swear, every time one of you girls posts something about your mothers, I feel totally lucky about mine.
Just sit her down and have a good talk. If she can't accept your feelings about this stuff, then at least you tried. Good luck with everything hon.
Wowzers...cut out the part about being gay and I could have authored this post.
I am related to the Griswalds and they drive me batshit from Thanksgiving to December 26th every year.
Next year I vote we have Xmas at the Chatterbox.
I totally intended to sit down and have a chat with her. But she was all moody and shit and I only just found out that her issue was that after she told me the first time she "might be busy" that I wouldn't talk to her except to ask for the car.
1) How is there a positive way I could have responded to that?
2) I found myself unable to deal while in that environment, on her turf. So she might get a letter from me after I get back to Minneapolis. Even this girlfriend issue aside, I go through this kind of crap with my mom every time I go home. No more!