And Guest
A friend of the family is getting married in November. This girl was in my dance class (yay, Borgo!) for, like, ten years. Our moms are friends and still hang out. The wedding is the weekend before Thanksgiving. I figured regardless of where I'm working or living and what my hours are, I ought to be able to make it home and have that also be Thanksgiving with the fam. I'd come home Saturday morning and return... uh... home... Sunday evening.
So, my mom has been asking me weekly for months if I've bought my plane ticket yet. I have not. Every week I tell her I'm monitoring prices. It's the same story: if the price drops low enough, I can use the credit I have with Northwest and not have to pay additional cash. Otherwise I'll drop frequent flyer miles. I guess I didn't adequately convey that I definitely plan on being there, because my mom was surprised when I told her as much the other day. Now there's a question of where I might actually be flying from, but I'll be there no matter what. Although, if it weren't for the wedding, I wouldn't be going home before Christmas.
Anyway, when my mom heard this news, she went on about how excited the bride-to-be's mom will be to hear I'm coming because she's mentioned a few times that she really hopes I can be there. Our whole fam got one invitation, so I told mom to go ahead and RSVP that I'll be there.
Except she wants it to be a surprise, so she wanted to tell them that she doesn't know if I'm coming, but she hopes they can accommodate me if I do. I say that I think this is a bad idea and kinda rude because they've got to pay for a plate. So she wants to RSVP that Emily will be there, and that she'll be bringing a guest, and I'll just be the guest. I haven't seen the invitation, so I don't know how exactly it's addressed and if etiquette allows for Emily to be bringing a guest in the first place. But, fine, whatever. I think they've got bigger things to worry about than whether or not I'll be there, but I don't see any harm in the situation.
Here's my beef, though. It's a totally moot point, but it still chafes me.
What if I had a guest I wanted to bring? And, to a lesser extent, what if Emily had a guest she wanted to bring? There was no consideration of that on my mom's part whatsoever. Maybe because she knows thinks neither of us is dating anyone. I might bring it up next weekend when she asks me if I've gotten my plane ticket yet.
I'm not trying to create conflict here. Like I said, it's a moot point. Part of why I like living way away from home is that it stays moot until I decide otherwise. But my mother's mindset on the matter is skewed because I'm gay. If I were straight, she'd be asking all kinds of questions about whether or not I have anyone I'd like to bring. She's probably asked Emily if she has anyone she'd like to bring. Or at least she wouldn't hesitate to ask if it crossed her mind.
Fortunately for her, I was not home to attend the bridal shower, because you know these sorts of things compel the hens to start the Inquisition on the single folk (or ask the baby-less about babies at baby showers). In that sort of situation I always fantasize about responding with, "I'm not planning on getting married anytime soon, but it doesn't matter because I can't get legally married in this country anyway." In reality I'd probably just deflect the question since these are mostly complete strangers or people I haven't seen since we first got our varsity jackets.
0 TrackBacks
Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: And Guest.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.swirlspice.com/mt4/mt-tb.cgi/3557
Oooooh you're coming home to Michigan?! Let me know when ;)
Ack, these are the sorts of social situations I dread, too. Being single sucks, and it sucks worse when your mom doesn't really deal with the whole situation.
I understand your beef, hon. I'dve felt exactly the same.
Can I interest you in swapping moms? Mine will try to introduce you to *every* nice young lady she's ever worked with. Like *anyone* wants to risk dating their boss's daughter?
Ooh, Tanya- that's almost worse. Like "too helpful". :)
I think you are absolutely right. It's not just a matter of you WANTING to bring a guest, it's the principle of you and Emily aren't dating each other, so why would you be going together? You should be going alone, and Emily should be going alone. They shouldn't partner you up like that. I know there's not much to do about it, and I can sit here and say "they shouldn't" all day long to no end, but anyway...I agree with you.
Man, don't get me started on this shit. Your mother asks me all the time if I'm bringing a date. I always say no, and I say that you will be my "date." Then she's like, "What if Erica can't make it!?" like she really really thinks I should be bringing a nice young man to this wedding. Leave me alone! Even if I did have a nice young man to bring, do I really want to subject myself to intense observation the whole evening?
I'm glad you're coming, though. Now I have someone to talk to.
Okay, I'll just tell you this right now. A "surprise" at a wedding is a REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD idea. Your mom may think it's "fun" to have you show up unannounced (or as Emily's "date") but you know what, the bride herself will probably not even notice and you'll just cause problems for the people organizing it. NOBODY wants a "surprise" on their wedding day--even a good one. Trust me on this. Just RSVP if you're coming. If the bride's mom wants to keep it a secret from the bride, then she is free to do so. But NOBODY WANTS A MYSTERY PERSON AT THEIR WEDDING.
It creates all kinds of problems. For example, if it's in the least bit formal, there are going to be place cards to tell you where to sit. Place cards require names. Place cards do not say "Bill Snodgrass, Sue Snodgrass, Emily Snodgrass, Emily Snodgrass's Mystery Date." At the very least, if you keep up this charade that Emily is bringing a date, you will be getting a phone call asking what this date's name is.
I could list a few hundred other reasons why this is a bad idea (including wedding invitation etiquette) but I won't bore you here.
Just know that surprises are not for weddings. Please take it upon yourself if you have to to be upfront with the bride's mom if you're coming.
I won't even address the mom-date-assumption issue ;).
Can I interest you in swapping moms? -- Lordy, yes. Take my mom. Please! Unless this involves her visiting more often.
it's the principle -- Exactly!
A "surprise" at a wedding is a REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD idea. -- That's what I figured. They have wedding planning issues to worry about. Who cares about the scratchafrickin' surprise? They'll be pleasantly surprised when they get the RSVP, and then they can get back to the seating chart.
I feel your pain. No offense to those that are married, but pretty much everything about wedding etiquette and culture is designed to be frustrating and confusing if you're single. Not to mention the over-50 set generally has nothing better to do than make you feel like a freak of nature. Good luck. Tell those crazy Borgo twins I said what's up. (That is, if they're still alive. Are they? What was it, Virginia and somebody?)
I was once given a "Non +1" invite when I was in a "friend's" wedding. At the time I had a serious boyfriend who WAS in town (granted, things were going South then and I wouldn't have subjected him to her lame-ass wedding, but still, I would have brought someone). Anyway, she let us know that no one in the wedding party would be bringing dates, so it seemed fine.
Cut to wedding day. Bridesmaid 1's hubby is the minister. So he's there. Bridesmaid 2 and I have no dates, though. Then we notice the readers come in with dates. Readers! And then we notice, once we get to the table at the reception, that all the groomsmen brought dates. So just me and the other girl were solo. Fucking really cool.
Perhaps it's just desserts that she has an unhappy marraige. That's what you get when you marry not for love, but because you just want to get married.
Stupid c-word, that one.