Survivor All-Stars Recap - April 29

Previously, on Survivor:

+ Did anyone else notice how long the recap was this week? It seemed twice as long as the usual recap. Was that just me? Also, seeing it again...Alicia was such a bitch to Shii. It's funny that she got the axe. Ain't it always the way? Get ugly, get voted off.

+ The image of Shii Ann squatting in the sand, saying, "Stupid players. Stupid, stupid people!" will be with me forever. Classic Survivor moment - and she is, incidentally, totally correct. These people are so hosed if they don't get rid of Rob and/or Amber. Shii Ann seems to be the only one to have noticed this.

The Game:

+Shii Ann opens the show complaining about how unpleasant it is to be at camp. Laughable. I mean, she knows they all want her gone. It couldn't be that much of a shock.

+Heh - Rupert is finally wising up to the fact that he's being "used and abused" for his food-providing skills. He wants help gutting fish, gets none, so guts and eats the first fish all himself. Jenna flips out on him, claiming she's not heavy enough to fish for herself. Umm, Jenna? He asked for help cleaning the fish, not catching 'em. There is no weight limit on fish-cleaning. The fact that Jenna expects Rupert to do for her because she cuts up a few plantains is typical. God, she's an irritating person, Jenna. Ditch her, Grizzly Adams!

Reward Challenge:

+Ahh, the players have their friends and relatives here as part of the challenge. Nasty food, perhaps? It looks like the Nasty Food setup.

+Just in case you don't know, I despise Amber as a player of Survivor. Hate. Huh. She's a null personality, and only someone as shallow as Boston Rob could fall in love with her, and then even only in straitened circumstances. At any rate, I was gagging when Amber was mooning it up over seeing her mom. Eww. Seeing Amber happy makes the Baby Jesus cry.

+I do not, however, hate Shii Ann; I got misty when her mom came out. So sue me. Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, and all that good stuff. Go, Lily!

+I know that Erica hates Big Tom with a blue passion, but I think he's one of the more interesting people to play the game. What a goober. He entertains me. Tom is a straight-up redneck, and it cracks my shit up. I was hoping Tom's "loved one" would be Bucky Beau, (and it was) just so that I could giggle at them together. And I did. God, Bucky is a tard.

+Eww. Rupert pretends his wife is a crawdaddy and sucks her head. Get a room, guys. Not pretty!

+Ooh! It is indeed the Nasty Food Challenge! Usual swap; the relatives, not the Survivors, have to eat a series of nasty-ass indigenous crap-food from many nations. Last one standing wins a night with their Survivor. Let me state here and now that there is no person on earth that I want to see bad enough to eat any of that shit. Just eww. To get me to eat a live grub, a boiled tarantula, fish that's marinated in sea water and hot sun for three days, etc., you'd better be promising to bring someone back from the dead. Even then...I dunno...

+Bucky Beau wins! And his dad licks Boston Rob's butt by inviting him and his brother on the reward. Damn. Talk about your testosterone overload moments...

Reward:

+Sheeeit. It's Man Camp - Tom, his son, Boston Rob, his brother at the renovated Shapera camp. Tons of liquor, pizza, nice beds. No, thank you. I don't want to be anywhere that there is tons of liquor and that particular foursome. No, thank you. Drunken redneck boys partying with drunken hardcore Yankee boys? It could get ugly. Like cats and dogs.

+In the private conversations, Big Tom reveals to Bucky that he's counting on Boston Rob to honor his alliance. Mheh. Bwaha. Erica, you won't have to look at Big Tom much longer, I predict...

+Meanwhile, Rob tells his brother that Amber is his only ally, and that Big Tom can fuck right off (I paraphrase). Rob's brother cautions him not to trust Amber.

Back at Shaboga Mogo:

+Bucky Beau (the tard) and Rob's brother come back to camp. Bucky convinces Rupert to lend him a precious spear, then promptly loses it, provoking Rupert into an almost sexual frenzy of spear-protectiveness. Eww.

Immunity Challenge:

+Ahh, the old two-buckets-on-a-seesaw challenge. Survivors have to build a fire in one bucket, then fill the other (which has a hole in it) with water, to raise the flaming bucket up to a fuse which will light a "wok at the top of your structure", to quote Mr. Probst, that fine-ass hunk of man.

+Everyone but Shii Ann is building a crappy-ass fire and running for water too soon. Rupert's fire-bucket goes up, but his fire is out. Shii Ann and Big Tom working on substantial fires, while everyone else runs out of matches, one by one. Big Tom wins immunity! Bye, Shii Ann.

Before Tribal Council:

+Other than the usual last-minute scheming by the person with their head on the block, all I noted is that Shii Ann's nasty white bikini looks like dirty white cotton undies. Again. She looks like an underage crack-ho, I am so sorry. Don't take white next time, Shii! Oh, I also noted that Jenna is extra-obnoxious.

Tribal Council:

+Amber states that she is annoyed with the camp's rife paranoia. How droll.

+Shii Ann shoots off her mouth for a while (sealing her doom if it wasn't already), then states that her vote is going for the person that everyone should be watching out for, for the most dangerous All-Star.

+Votes are counted; everyone voted for Shii Ann. Except Shii, who voted for Amber. Loud message, loud and clear. Bye, Shii Devil!

Next week - Tempers flare! WTF else is new, Jeff? Sheesh.