Something Ain't Right

I know exactly what my problem is. Part of it is I've done too much piss-assing around and not done that "thinking" I was supposed to be doing all week. The other part I'm gonna keep mum about. I can't be bothered to convey the message and properly mask it at the same time. It's not really a big deal, but it I'd still like to just say what the fuck is bothering me. I wouldn't even need to elaborate. But I won't.

It's totally stupid. It bothers me more that I'm bothered in the first place. This happens to me a lot. Being bothered by the fact that I'm bothered, and not over the issue at hand.

Ack! Ack. I'm on vacation. I'm having a good time. I do not have time to be having such issues. I haven't felt like this in a long time. It's uncomfortable. I can't settle down. I'm just... shit, I don't even know. It's like turmoil...? But not nearly so dramatic. My stomach is a little unhappy. I've got that watery-limbed nervous energy. I don't know. I thought I knew what the problem was, but I think it evolved into something larger without my permission, and now I don't know how to tackle it or tamp it down.

Jesus, I want to cry. Just because I don't know what else to do. I don't even know what I'd be crying about. I'm probably making it worse by dwelling on it like this. Even Cher is not making it better.

I can feel myself going into my quiet mode. I think I'm gonna have to toss a few back to get geared up. That's probably not healthy, but it works for me. My friend Renae has said that she knows I'm not a naturally outgoing person, but I sure can be when I get a few drinks in me. It's work for me to be personable. I'm much better at it now. But I'm perfectly content to just be quiet and let everyone around me go on about having a good time. It's not an indicator that I'm not having a good time. I just don't have shit to say. Seriously.

This timing here is shitty. What the fuck is this? Some sort of anxiety attack? Do I have less control over something than I thought I did? Is it just general "what the fuck am I doing with my life?" creeping up and slapping me in the face? Is that really starting to sink in? I had a half-conversation with the guy that did my tattoo and that did more to put me at ease with the half-decision I had made than, well, anything or anybody I've encountered so far.

Many people I know say "you should just move here" but I'm never quite convinced that people really mean that. There's more to moving somewhere than getting to see some friends that you miss. I can think of any number of friends all over the damn country that I'd enjoy having the chance to live near. There's still the whole job and money part of things. And that whole "do I really like it here?" thing. It's easy to say "I should just move here or there and do this or that" but damn if it isn't harder to do. I've been tempted to choose certain locations, chiefly because of certain people, and that is totally not the way to be making those kinds of decisions. Sure, it's nice to have people around for support, rather than plopping down in a strange place, not knowing anyone. But, but... well this starts to tie into the previous issue that I thought I had a handle on that apparently I don't.

Some of these things are a natural continuation of the others, but most of this stuff is not at all what my problem is today. I guess all my anxieties are bubbling out.