Everyone’s worried about the war. I suppose I should be, too, but I’d rather be selfish and worry about the stuff that most immediately affects my every day life. Hey, I’m a true American, right?
People say that one of the best ways to enjoy life is to live in the here and now. Enjoy the moment and don’t worry so much about what’s coming in the future.
Putting this in the context of my present reality seems to have blown that happiness theory right out of the water. What I want to know is, what the hell kind of time frames are “now” and “later”? If you don’t have anything to do “now” then what is there to enjoy? If you don’t think about “later” then how is “later” going to come to be? People assume that right “now” you’re already happy, so you should just… what? Keep on being happy?
What I’m doing “now” is looking for a job. There’s nothing particularly enjoyable about that. Even if it were going as spectacularly as a job search can go, it’s still stressful. And it makes me not want to do it, which is exacerbating the problem.
Having no income is stressful. Wanting to do fun things so I can enjoy my “now” and having to finance them in crafty ways is stressful. I do not like to go without. I’m used to seeing all my friends mostly getting what they want. I’ve seen my family talk themselves out of needing and wanting things because they can’t get what they want. I’m pretty irresponsible when it comes to stuff like that. The more I make, the more I spend. I’m not making anything, and I’m spending.
Throw in the whole “it could be worse” factor. It could be worse in so many different ways. I know that. How is knowing that supposed to make me feel better? I still want things for myself. I shouldn’t strive for them because I already have more than some people? [Using the word "strive" seems to have turned this from musing to college entrance essay.] I say people spend a little too much time stressing over the “now” and not enough time dreaming about and planning for the “later.”
It’s the thought of “later” that keeps me going. Frankly, “later” consists of “money” in my mind, at the moment. I’m finding myself bending on all my other quality of life requirements just because money is the #1 priority.
When I quit my job last May, I did it for three specific reasons:
1. I wanted a large chunk of time off, which conveniently amounted to about the length of my severance pay period, to travel. I did that, it was a marvelous experience, and that alone has made everything else worthwhile. There is so much of this country that I saw that I’d never seen before, and so many friends I got to visit. I can’t even describe how great that was for me.
2. I wanted to switch job functions and I figured I could just as easily do that by switching jobs altogether as I could by trying to make that change happen within the company I was with. Had the whole merger/downsizing thing not happened when it did, I would have tried to, but it would have taken a while and I would have continued to be unhappy until it did. And, honestly, I was a little concerned that if I didn’t quit, I might get asked to leave anyway. I don’t think that would have happened, but I did find out later that shortly after I left, my boss switched groups and I know that would have made me completely miserable.
3. I did NOT want to live in the Midwest anymore. I want to go to the west coast, and I’ve amended that to include the Northeast. It’s not so much that I particularly hate the Midwest. I just want to do something different, and while I’m changing everything else, why not change locations, too?
I don’t know where I’m going with this now. I guess I’m a little disappointed by the less-than-ideal job options that seem to be turning up (which is not to say they’re all bad) and I don’t like that circumstances are gonna force my hand.
