Not Sure How I Feel About a Wedding

05 May 2008 By

Reading this New York Times story on young gay men getting married got me thinking again about this whole topic of marriage.

The thing that really struck me is not so much how these guys’ experience sounds so gay, it’s just that they seem so young and naive, and they go through the same things young couples in general go through. They don’t know how to manage their own money, much less how to do it together. Some of them still live with their parents. Some of them think that just because they love each other so much it’s all going to work out.

I drove myself a little nuts trying to compare my own situation. It’s not comparable. The boys and the girls exist in different dynamics. We’re in our 30s. We live in Minneapolis, MN.

What is the same is that lots of gay couples struggle with whether or not they want a wedding or some kind of celebration, and if so what that would look like. It’s hard to balance a knee-jerk opposition to anything resembling a traditional heterosexual wedding and the fact that we are socialized to aspire to that situation. I kind of don’t want to do it the “normal” way, but I do really want to get up in front of all the people I know and share with them how much I love this woman.

Did I mention that Missy and I decided we want to get married? I don’t think I did. I don’t even remember now when that happened (she’s gonna have something to say about that). I just know that telling her that I was totally and completely in love with her and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life felt like such an inadequate way to express how I felt. The strongest words I could come up with were “I want you to marry me.” (And then I went back and actually asked.)

So we’re pretty settled that there will be a wedding, we just have no plans for one. I’m okay with that, but honestly I’m not 100% sure about it. It’s not at all because I’m not committed. I totally am. No question. And our day to day wouldn’t change. I’m just a little conflicted about the ceremony part.

It’s really hard to mentally separate the fact that the ceremony and the legal piece of paper aren’t actually linked. I’m “enh” on the wedding, but I do want to be married.

  • http://theviewfrommysoapbox.com mrstrdavis

    Um yeah… NO you didn’t mention that. What a huge step! And I think I can understand (somewhat) where you’re coming from on the whole “It’s hard to balance a knee-jerk opposition to anything resembling a traditional heterosexual wedding and the fact that we are socialized to aspire to that situation.”

    All of that aside though – you two are happy! so happy and so in love and I’m just so crazy happy for both of you that you’ve got each other and…OK I’m getting all misty. Anyway.

    Yeah for love!

  • http://www.michellejones.net/onapath Michelle

    B and I had what I called “The Great American Lesbian Non-Wedding.” It was a great, great party and a great, great day. It was actually our 10th anniversary so it wasn’t so much a “wedding” as it was an anniversary party but we still had some speeches and some “non-vows.” I highly recommend it.

  • http://www.dizzyingintellect.com Tanya

    First of all, let me just Eeeeeeeeee!! and get it over with.

    And I completely understand the “enh” on the wedding itself — the idea’s never appealed to me either. Poofy flowers, lime-green bridesmaids’ dresses. I’d definitely go the Vegas/Elvis route, but y’all like the Islands, right?

  • Erica

    y’all like the Islands, right?

    Sure do. ;-)

    Missy made the point that (as with any wedding) it depends on how much we want to spend, too. Do we want to actually travel to Canada or Massachusetts or wherever to get married for real? And then have a ceremony or reception thing? There’s two separate decisions to be made here.

  • http://www.popcultist.com/blog popcultist

    Congrats! (On your happiness, which is the important thing, ceremony or not.)

    I highly recommend the whole Caribbean-island thing. :)

  • http://www.dizzyingintellect.com Tanya

    If you’re going to go foreign, why not Spain? Say, Majorca or Ibiza? Niiiice.

    See me racking up your credit cards, there? ;o)

  • http://www.aperfectanomaly.com Bayou

    First of all- Woot! I have to agree with popcultist, the happiness is what really counts and I’m very glad that you both have found that.

    Secondly, I can understand your sentiments completely. This is probably why Lach and I have been officially “engaged” for over four years. I guess we’ll get around to it eventually.

    You might be interested in this book. Lach loved it but I haven’t gotten around to reading it yet.

  • http://www.funchilde.com Funchilde

    So, so happy for you both. Finding myself in the midst of what is either the best fling ever or (more likely) falling in love myself, I wish you the bestest no matter what you decide. As someone who was previously married, and though divorced still regard my wedding as one of my favorite days EVER!!! Because I/We did exactly what WE wanted to do and we were surrounded by the people we love. No matter what your philosophy, that won’t ever feel wrong. And, I think, maybe, I might be willing to do it again someday. :-) congrats to you both (I’m assuming she said “yes”!).