I just wanna be loved. Is that so wrong?

08 May 2004 By

I wouldn’t say I’m a particularly touchy-feely person, nor am I particularly standoffish. I usually adapt to the style of the person/people around me. But I do not shy away from affection.

Lately I’ve found myself attempting to express a sentiment to a friend, but I have no idea how she’s receiving it. She’s typically pretty … brusque. Not unaffectionate, just not one to show it in the way most people do. Not a hugger. Not one to gush.

So I kinda get the feeling that my sentiments may not be equally reciprocated (which is a smidge disappointing, but understandable, and that’s fine). This may totally not be the case, but I don’t think I’ll ever really know.

Do I keep talking? Do I just get that she’s not gonna say it the same way I would and shut up? Do I drive myself nuts wondering what she’s really thinking?

I have found myself thinking about her a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I told her she’s been on my mind a lot lately, but that I wouldn’t elaborate in her work email. So I’m kind of hoping she’ll ask me what I’ve been thinking about. I’m not even sure what exactly it is I’ve been thinking or what the hell I’d even tell her, but she’s been on my mind constantly and I feel a need to tell her that.

I think I’ll just give it up. The contact I’m craving is not really the sort of thing that can be adequately played out over email. I’m looking for an evening hanging out, just the two of us, somewhere quiet where we can really talk. And she lives far far away, so that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.

This sounds vaguely stalker-ish. It’s not all that deep. Like I said, I couldn’t even tell you what exactly it is I think about her, I just know I think of her all the time.

  • http://www.funkalicious.us Funkalicious

    You’re not being stalkerish. It does sound like you have a crush, though. ;-)

  • http://www.swirlspice.com Erica

    Is that what it sounds like? I guess it does. That’s totally not the case, though.

  • http://www.dustbury.com/ CGHill

    There’s one irreducible element of the crush, though: the feeling of “You and me against the world, babe.”

    That much, I think, you may have. She won’t supplant your best buds or take center stage in your fantasies, but you have the sensation that the two of you together are greater than either of you alone.

  • http://www.crackmonkie.net Monkie

    I think I understand what you’re going through. It’s like a fascination that you want to explore, but you have no real urge to qualify it further than that. It’s a very strange and captivating experience. There’s this person that attracts mainly your mind, and you want the time with her to see what else is there that perhaps you’ve been missing or never noticed. That could qualify as a crush I guess, but think it’s more of a mental attraction that could go either way. If any of that makes sense…

  • http://www.swirlspice.com Erica

    It’s like a fascination that you want to explore, but you have no real urge to qualify it further than that.

    You know, that is EXACTLY it. I’m fascinated/attracted/whatever, but not all “I wanna get with her, buh-BANG” or anything.

    What is the definition of “crush” anyway?

  • http://www.dawnpennington.com dawn

    Ah, the age-old question arises: how do you keep a crush from crushing you?

    And to answer your question “What is the definition of a crush anyway?” I have to refer to my private journal for the answer (I’ve been crushing on someone for a coupla months myself) — I wrote this on March 15:

    “Crushes are so much fun when they’re still in the honeymoon stage — when the world is full of possibilities and every little thing that happens turns into a warm moment of reflection for days and weeks to come. And it’s weird how you don’t necessarily feel butterfliies at the time, but when you think back at some random time, you get a feeling like your heart is snuggling against a polar fleece blanket that’s fresh out of the dryer. It’s as though your soul is filled with warm, perfumed air — when your heart is light, your spirit can’t help but follow. You smile for no reason. You dream when you should be focusing. You wonder what you’ll say the next time you see each other. You blurt out the oddest statements at sometimes the most inappropriate times. All told, you suddenly become incapable of rational behavior.”

    In any event, I was wondering myself why the sexual feelings were there, but they are mild. I think the intellectual attraction is the sexiest of them all, and when you’re compatible with someone on that level, that’s enough of a turn-on … for the time being, of course. ;)

    Good luck, my friend!