That Conversation

22 Jan 2004 By

We’ve had someone from another shift working with us recently to help with training Problem Boy and Dirty Clown. Let’s call her Crusty Old Dyke.

So the other day Dirty Clown says to me, “You know, the reason Crusty Old Dyke is a lesbian is because she couldn’t find a man.”


I didn’t know whether to laugh or just let my jaw hang open. After a concerted effort to wipe the incredulous look off my face, I said, “Dude, that’s totally not the way it works.” He said, “Well, yeah, every gay person I’ve ever known is that way,” and proceeded to tell me a story about how a guy he went to high school with came out to him following their 5-year reunion (this would have been about 15 years ago) and mentioned he thought Dirty Clown was kinda good looking. The guy kept calling him and Dirty Clown refused to go over to the guy’s house.

I told him not to flatter himself, and then I proceeded to, as simply and quickly as possible, explain nature vs nurture and how both affect your sexuality and how the societal message of straightness is so powerful it takes a lot of maturity and self-awareness to even realize that something about yourself might be different. So all those people that didn’t have boyfriends or girlfriends aren’t gay because they just didn’t have any other choice, they probably didn’t have boyfriends or girlfriends because they’re gay. And they try to or pretend to participate in straight relationships because they either don’t know yet, or they’re afraid of how people like Dirty Clown might respond.

Then he comes with how the thought of two guys together makes his stomach turn, but… wait for it… he can see how two girls would get together. Because of the emotional bond. And it’s just not as gross.

Once he started getting that I was really serious and not gonna just joke about Crusty Old Dyke with him, he dropped the conversation. I don’t think it’s because he didn’t want to have the conversation, he just didn’t know where to go with it. Up until that point I’d been trying to figure out how to drop the bomb for him, but couldn’t quite work it in, and then he was gone. I should have just gone on with it. What I wanted to say to him was, “Dude, do I look like I couldn’t get a boyfriend if I wanted one?” He asked me just a couple weeks ago if my roommate was my boyfriend.

I suspect he might bring this conversation up with Problem Boy and maybe Problem Boy will set him straight (heh). Even if that doesn’t happen, I think this will come up again, given his inquisitiveness when I told him I’m mixed. I’m not at all worried about any animosity from him. I just think there’s a way to present the information with maximum effectiveness, to get him to think about it a little. I’m not big on coming out to people just for the sake of doing it. If it’s pertinent information, I’ll share it. I try to keep as much of my personal life to myself at work, anyway.

  • http://www.peskyapostrophe.com Mac

    Why is it that guys like that think all lesbians are going to look all butch? Dumbass.

  • http://picklejuice.yatescentral.com picklejuice

    Argh! See? This is what I was talking about a few weeks ago – SO many straight guys are like him.

    Then, of course, there are self-hating/self-unaware (if that’s a real phrase – you take the meaning) homosexuals who won’t admit to themselves fully that they are actually gay, so they say things like “Well, I have better luck with my gender over the opposite gender so that’s why I’m gay.” I’ve heard that one a few times. I’m like, “Okay, that’s fine if that’s what you believe about yourself, but by being loud about that point you’re making it harder for gay people to be taken seriously – downplay the whole ‘choice’ issue, mmmkay?”

    Gah – I wish I could think up a good comeback for you, but everything I’m thinking up involves the word “slurping” in some form, which is a word I’d rather avoid.

    Hey, with all of your new-found GLBT readership you should open this one up for discussion – how do other people come out aggressively and deal with people like this asshole, that kind of thing. (Did I get the letters right? I tend to go ‘GBLT’, but that’s just a gay bacon, lettuce and tomato. Can never keep the acronym straight, if you’ll pardon the pun.)

  • http://www.davetepper.net Dave

    Oh, man. Well, the best way to counter a stereotype is with another stereotype. Give me half an hour with him and a six-pack of PBR and I’ll have him singing Barbra Streisand showtunes in a leather jockstrap at the end of the 30 minutes.

    *shakes head* Jeesh.

  • http://coconnell.blogspot.com Casey

    Dave, how much would you charge for something like that? Because I know someone who totally needs it. And it would just be fun to watch.

  • http://www.swirlspice.com Erica

    See, the funny thing about this guy is that if you made it a 12-pack, he’d probably have no problem with all that stuff, as long as you keep both your hands in plain view.

  • http://www.davetepper.net Dave

    I’ll keep both my hands on his shoulders, I promise!

  • http://liminalmusings.blogspot.com Deirdre

    Casey needs a weblog.

    …and I can’t remember what else I was going to say.

  • http://swerlspice.blogspot.com Em

    I totally knnow what you mean about “dropping the bomb” for effect (well, sort of).

    Whenever I get into heated discussions with friends of mine about any and all things homosexual, I try to refrain from using you as my reason for being offended by whatever they’re saying. Because then they would (hopefully) stop being idiots around me, but only because I am personally offended, not because they have seen the error of their ways.

    Does that make sense? Like, if you did tell this guy, would it make him stop b/c he realizes how wrong he is, or only because you can’t talk about people right in front of them? And if it’s the latter, then it’s not doing nay good.

    I’m totally rambling. I hope this makes sense.

  • http://swerlspice.blogspot.com Em

    (This is probably understood, but I would be offended by the bone-headed comments even if Irk weren’t gay.)

  • http://www.swirlspice.com Erica

    Like, if you did tell this guy, would it make him stop b/c he realizes how wrong he is, or only because you can’t talk about people right in front of them?

    That is exactly the reason why I stumbled a little over answering Problem Boy when he asked me if I was offended by his gratuitous use of the word “faggot.”

  • http://www.dustbury.com/ CGHill

    “Dude, do I look like I couldn’t get a boyfriend if I wanted one?”

    Perfect. Make sure you say it next time. :)

  • http://www.redsugar.com/muse/ tanya

    Ok, she’s crusty and no men want her. Yet for some reason, lesbians are just *dying* to get their hands on her.

    Yes. I can see the logic there perfectly.